Saturday, March 5, 2011

Tapping the Vein: A Heart Song


Sometimes I find it very hard to tap into the heart of what I need to say and communicate it in a respectful way.  I have all these half formed words and thoughts in my head that dance around and occasionally land on my tongue but quickly there after float away. Sometimes it is hard to see through the inner conflict which resides with in me. I have thoughts and feeling about certain issues, things and people scattered all over the place.  This constant running around of my monkey mind prevents me from often seeing what is right in front of me and makes it at times difficult to speak what is in my heart.

These fragmented thoughts of mine sometimes torment me, they scratch at my brain and pick at my heart as if to tell me we are not going to leave you alone until you tap this vein and either write them or paint them out. At times they even insist I do both and I feel absolutely driven into the brink of madness till I capitulate and let these things out. I have never considered myself to be an artist or a writer I have never believed these things to be a calling for me. I am clumsy with grammar, punctuation and spelling to boot and my artistic skill though I do believe is improving is not something that comes naturally to me. I have always loved art and drawing so simply indulged my passion for them and disregarded the outcome of whatever manifested.

In my later years these things became excellent tools for me for emotional release. I think picking up a paintbrush has provided me with countless hours of free therapy. Painting and writing has allowed me to open a doorway into connecting with some of the deeper stuff that is going on within me that lies beyond that cycle of the monkey mind. It helps get me to a place where I can stand back and observe these thought processes from an unattached angle. As I type out words or as I look at the colours being spread upon the canvas I feel connected to my own innate wisdom and I feel my deep underlying emotions that can often get lost in story lines.  Story lines that mutate my emotions build upon my prejudices, my self hate, my hate for others, lead me to feel defeated and an overall sense of disconnection.

This force within me that has been driving me to write and paint especially lately seems to be coming from this place of wanting to share my own healing journey with others. I feel moved to expose myself to others and express my own confusion about the world and the internal struggles I face. This isn’t something that is easy for me or comes naturally either in fact for the most part I would say that it is the opposite of who I have been. My ego often tells me to hide myself from the world; I have huge social anxieties and hermit tendencies that have been with me since I was a child. I have this great love for people but at the same time I feel driven to isolate myself and be on my own.

But I have also felt this spark inside of me that has been waiting for me to acknowledge it for years to reveal who I am to the world. Sometimes it is only a dim flicker that I am only vaguely aware of and other times I am engulfed in flames. I have this heart song inside me that demands I share its message.  I have this passion to connect with myself and my brothers and sisters and to join with them and support them in connecting with their own ember and their own unique song playing inside of them.

I have studied and learned many forms of healing in my life both formally and informally but I never quite felt like I connected with the role of healer either. Perhaps because I always felt so fragmented and broken myself that I felt like taking on this role meant I had to disregard a huge part of who I am. I felt like I had to deny certain aspects of myself to take on this role, I needed to play this uniform part and pretend like I had it all together. And to be perfectly honest with you the times in my life where I feel like I have had it all together have been few and far between.  I am emotional, chaotic, disconnected and very dark at times and I felt like to take on the role of healer I need to suppress these things. That maybe one day when I am better then who I am now I can eventually allow myself to do that kind of work.

However I have come to the realization that the best thing I can offer the world is, myself and my own struggles.  That it is more important for me to be my authentic self then to try and fit any role or fit into any cookie cutter image of who I should be as a person. Also in my humble opinion the most important function I can fulfil while working with others is not to try and heal people at all but to be supportive of their journey in healing themselves. To help them connect with their own innate goodness, find their own way in relating to their pain and to feel comfortable enough to explore their own inner worlds. For me the idea of coming together as equals with people and being able to relate to each other in our experiences and in our own humanity is far more healing then pretending to be something we are not.

So I am not sure where this leaves me in the grand scheme of things other than as person who often stumbles around in the darkness but also has these wonderfully beautiful moments in the light. I do feel a deep calling to work with others and support them in their own personal journeys though I am still unaware of which vehicle to approach this with. I am sure the answers already lie within me sleeping somewhere but they haven’t yet fully formed yet. All I know is the message that is in my heart and that keeps demanding to get out, which is be yourself and help others to do the same. Don’t play roles or force them on others. Just simply be and accept yourself and those around you and help them to do the same.

I had an Acupuncturist tell me once that he hoped to be a teacher of peace. I found this message resonated with me in a profound way. Though it is possible that we both have a very different ideas about what this means, I think this is what is in my heart is well. I feel that I am both a student, a teacher and a guide in helping myself and others find peace. I feel like I am here to learn to be at peace with who I am and accept myself rough edges and all. That finding and connecting with this sense of inner peace and being okay with my own pain and who I am is what I am meant to take out into the world regardless of the results. I feel like supporting others to be okay with their inner worlds and more accepting of themselves is something I long to do. I feel like I am here to open my heart to others and learn from them and hear their message as well.

At this point I feel like the easiest way to connect with my hearts message and share my humanity with others is through painting and writing. To start to put my intentions out there and let things develop naturally in their own time. Perhaps some of what I write or paint will connect with a few people and help them to feel a little less alone. Maybe me allowing the outside world to see all my neurosis will help others, if even in a small way to feel a bit more okay with their own.  Or maybe it will trigger someone else to teach me something and share themselves and their passions with me. But for now just sharing my thoughts, feelings and paintings is already an amazing gift that I have granted myself in my road to self acceptance and personal healing.